Clearly the best thing since...

April 1

I feel that the most important event to have occurred on this date was the invention of sliced bread. Some say that Otto Frederick Rohwedder invented it in 1928. This is stupid. Didn't anyone slice bread before this? Was there just a loaf of bread in the middle of the table and everyone just ripped off hunks of it at their leisure? No, of course not. So let's not give this guy false praise. He merely invented a machine to slice an entire loaf of bread at one time. This is extremely unproductive unless you have a means to preserve the bread and are trying to mass produce bread for sandwiches. No, sliced bread was invented by Sir Simon Ritchie on this date in 1957. If you don't believe me, type in his name and 1957 and it'll prove that I'm right. Anyway, Simon was tired of his sandwiches having to be made from two entire loaves of bread, so he was quote as saying "Nevermind the Bollocks, here is a more efficient sandwich!" He pulled out his trusty collector's knife and proceeded to slice his loaf of bread. From this vicious sandwich forward, the world has been a better place.